Tony Ted

When I was a little girl
I thought I’d have some fun
So I tore of all my summer clothes
And ran naked in the sun
The heat it did affect me
Frazzled out my head
So I summoned out my secret friend
His name is Tony Ted

Now Tony Ted is quite some guy
We kick about a lot
He has a great big bulbous nose
And hands with liver spots
He is getting on a bit now
And has to use a stick
But the most important thing still works
His humongous slippery dick

On this hazy summer’s day
My eyes they did espy
A psychedelic vision
That filled up all the skies
Of multi-coloured chickens
Clucking in the air
Blue, Pink, Green and Purple
And a giant panda bear

Now Tony Ted and I were shocked
As the chickens began to sing
We held our hands so tightly
To each other we did cling
Panda then tapped on my shoulder
And began to give me the eye
Before I knew it
I had sprouted some wings
And discovered that I could fly

Of I flew to a magical land
With bluebells in my hair
I danced amongst the fairies
Precious nectar they did share
We drank
And drank
And had a ball
Til I was fizzy and dizzy with love
And when I awoke
To my amazement
On my head were two turtle doves

They whispered ancient secrets
Into my tulip ears
Taught me things I should not know
Like the music of the spheres
They said that Tony Ted was bad
And that I was the chosen one
I had to gather an army
And head on towards the sun

Being a little girl
I didn’t quite know what to do
So I squatted down
Took a breath
And excreted a wiggly poo

When I awoke
Back I was
In the field of corn
Shamed by being naked
As the day was born

I searched all night long for my very precious friend called Tony Ted
Only to find him face down in the strawberries
Evidently dead
Around his head the doves did fly
Innocence so pure
My secret friend
Was just a symptom
But … now at last I had found the cure!!!